tv The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Comedy Central December 16, 2011 1:00am-1:30am PST
[applause] >> next week on the show, i go camping with the double rainbow guy. >> double rainbow all the way across the sky. [crying] oh, my god. what does this mean? >> do you know where double rainbows come from? a unicorn's queef. [laughter] keep up with out daily blog at comedy central.com/tosh.0, make sure you come see me on the tosh tour 2010, and follow me on twitter, so we can live chat during the shows. finally, the best part about having a job is talking about your co-workers behind their backs. that's why i had my fans tweet me all their office gossip in a new segment called "twispers." ryan writes, uh, "girl at corporate likes to meet and bang
field managers at regional meetings." that had a lot of office jargon in it. it has to be real. >> devin says the girl in the cubical across from meadowsn't know her snatch shows twice a week. what she don't know won't hurd her. our office skank just -- that must be a mistake, because the worst-smelling taco at ponchero's still smells delicious. rob has been licking the tops of so day cans in the fridge at trader publishing. got you know, bastard. he got you, rob. >> and this guy is black, of course. he owes $10,000 in child support. just because that is really
racist doesn't mean that twisper isn't accurate. pay up. see you next week. cacao! [applause] >> december 15th, 2011, from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. oh, we got one for you tonight, one matthew damon will be joining us on the program tonight, a well-known actor. (applause) >> jon: first let's begin on the campaign trail with indecision 2012, the great white hope. as you know, republicans are
working overtime to keep themselves from having to spend next fall with a mitt romney sign on their lawn. they'll do anything to avoid that honey, they stole our romney sign. no, that was me, i just put it away. (laughter) voters have test-driven everybody from bachmann to perry in increased desperation. over the first vote finally in sight, it appears that the ride may have arrived. the form of a white 1994 chevy capricious. >> we are just weeks away from the iowa caucuses and newt gingrich has risen to the top. >> according to one new national poll, "the wall street journal" poll puts gingrich ahead by 17%. >> very hard not to look at the recently polls and think that the odds are very high i'm going to be the nominee
(laughter) >> jon: wow. yes, it appears that newt gingrich will be the nah-miny even if he believes it rhymes with how many iny. i would say tonight to the republican primary voters, don't do this. seriously. (cheers and applause) >> jon: i know you're mad. i know you're mad-- er than usual. country is being run by a for earn-born hawaiian. (laughter) -- by a foreign-born hawaiian, radical christian muslim, socialist who is in the pocket of wall street and sometimes newt gingrich can sound like the answer. >> well, i would follow the reagan play book. i'm an idealist, a ro ma mam-- romantic and permanent opt test and that is the american tra dismingts how can you have judgement if you have no faith and how i can trust with you power if you don't pray.
>> jon: so here's the thing, he's not-- he's more like a norman rockwell painting ofine rand kicking jimmy carter in the balls. (laughter) >> jon: right in the fountain heads. listen, reagan had a certain charm and gentility. gingrich is like what would happen if reagan had been abandoned as a child and raised by a family of cactuses. >> there is a gay and secular fascism in this country that wants to o impose its will on the rest of us. >> the secular agenda clearly is an american fundamentally different than america has been for the last 400 years. >> one of the great tragedies of the bush administration, -- >> the more successful they have been at intercepting and stopping bad guys, the less proof there is that we're in danger. >> it's almost like they should every once and a while allow an attack to get through to remind us.
think about this, think about the psychology. >> jon: you know, the craziest thing about that clip is not even gingrich suggesting the occasional terrorist attack, would be a useful reminder, a post-it note, if you will, but that when the audience attempts to laugh uncomfortably at his comment, his immediate instinct is to go no, no, no, no-- [bleep] serious here. (laughter) i'm nuts! >> jon: look, republicans, i know you miss the intoxicating high of the early '80s. but look in the mirror, man, look where chasing the reagan has led you, to the basement of a broken down a ban dawned drug den stuck in [bleep] just to score a $5 rock. (laughter)
metaphorically speaking. (laughter) we've all been there. you don't have to do this. and if you won't listen to me, and i know that you won't because i know you don't particularly care for me, find what i do somewhat crass and misleading, listen to your friends. this is an intervention. that's why we are all right now in a secaucus hampton inn. everyone is here today because they love you. tom, why don't you start us off, tom. >> i'm not inclined to be a supporter of newt gingrich's having served under him for four years and experienced personally his leadership. >> why is that? >> because i found it lacking. (laughter) >> tom coburn, republican senator from perhaps the most republican state in the country, oklahoma. you can't even find people with blue eyes in oklahoma. (laughter) coburn is so conservative he
once lodged a protest against showing "schindler's list" on tv because of the nudity. that's true. yes. the nudity. that's what strikes you as obscene in "schindler's list". will you listen to this guy. >> you know, he's been out of government for a long time. he's matured as a person. he has reattached himself to faith. >> jon: what? no, listen yourself! first of all reattached himself to his faith, like oh, you know what happened is faith just lost the stickum, you have to lick it and stick up there. the only faith gingrich has reattached himself to is beginningismism-- gingrichism, the belief in the infallibility of the gingrich this is him from last month. >> i am much like reagan and margaret thatcher, i am such an unconventional political figure that you really need to design a very unique campaign that fits the way i operate and what i am trying to do. >> jon: hey, newt, donald trump called, he wants his irrational ego back. (applause) >> jon: hey, what you are going to do boom, ba, boom.
>> jon: would anyone else like to speak directly to the republican electorate and convince them. >> i don't think newt gingrich cares about conservative principleses. newt gingrich cares about newt gingrich. >> i don't know how he can be considered a conservative. >> most of us are terrified to dpet that he would become the republican nominee. >> he's too erratic. >> i think he does not have the discipline, does not have the capacity to control him ef is-- himself. and he can't stay focused. >> jon: that's who you are going to nominate for president. can't control himself, can't stay focused, too erratic. those last descriptions are usually followed by the phrase, and he's disruptive at nap time and a bit of a biter. do you get it? (applause) are you seeing what's going on here? okay, i see someone else wants to speak. you have had your hand up for a while. >> he is not a nice human being. he is a bad person. >> jon: joe, joe, joe, i think we've already identified our negative inventories. now we're looking for
scaffolding, something constructive, up, a way out. >> es is a terrible person. he-- he dehumanizes the people-- . >> jon: yes, yes, he is terrible. look, we get t you [bleep] look, gop, i can't make you not choose newt gingrich as the standard-bearer of your political party. but before you make any decision, there is-- there's one more person who wants to say something, someone who is literally coming out of hiding just to be here today. because it's so important. and if you don't think you've hit rock bottom yet, maybe will you now. >> is there any way he could be behind gingrich. >> he some only-- beck could be behind gingrich. >> he is the only candidate that i cannot vote for. >> jon: glenn beck cannot support newt gingrich!
>> jon: welcome back. everybody knows the expression, neither rain nor snow nor sleet nor hail shall keep the postman from their appointed rounds. it does turn out that precipitation in a variety of temperatures isn't the only threat to mail. wyatt cenac has more. >> the post office, everybody loves it, for just 44 cents they'll deliver your mail anywhere, whether it's wishing someone a merry christmas or flirting with prisoners. but that time may be over. >> deep in debt and facing hundreds of thousands of layoffs, it's no secret the u.s. postal service is desperate to stay afloat. >> reporter: these are tough times for president of the postal workers union cliff guthie. >> the post service say great lady, where the flag flies in america n all these small communities. to start backing that, solely for budgetary constraints, i think it's kind of add in a way.
>> but you're saying we don't need to back that lady that lady, let's just slowly choke her out. >> choke her out or i don't think that's the proper term either. >> the truth is there's probably no i had yom for masturbation which could explain what congress is doing with the post office, but here are just some of the way these would like to [bleep] it. >> eliminating saturday delivery, close 3700 postal locations, layoff 120,000 workers. >> that's clearly not the will of the people. >> most americans want the service. but the reality is we may not have ten more years with the post office. >> ten years. >> i went to any town new jersey to warn the masses. >> the post office is in danger. >> in danger of what? >> of running out of business. >> i'm tired of sorting through the mail and basically finding nothing and just chucking it all. >> 90% of the time it ends up on somewhere on the stoop, usually in a puddle.
>> we get something like 30 pieces av junk mail a day coming to this house. so i have to pay the post office not to send the mail to the house. >> wait a minute, you pay the post office not to send you mail. >> yeah, i had to get a po box. >> where are you going to get your mail? >> e-mail. >> just how bad is it for the post office? >> i wrote a song with my business partner, which was dealing with our frustration on how we deal with the u.s. post office in our business lives. >> that's right, it's so bad, a lady i met randomly wrote and recorded a song about her hatred of the post office ♪ that's not my job ♪ i'm sorry ♪ this messed up your day ♪ this is the work for which you are paid ♪ ♪. >> reporter: my god, the u.s. mail has lost the middle age suburban wigger mom. >> ♪ that's mott my job ♪. >> how many letter does i have to write you to never hear that song again? >> everywhere i look the
post office was outnumbered. >> get out of here. get out. this is post office territory, get out of here. >> even the postmaster general is urging wide spread layoffs and closings by next year. luckily cliff had the perfect way to reboot the u.s. ps. >> that may be the next step for the union is to you know put commercials out there saying send your mom a letter. it would be a nobel effort in this country for people to start writing letters again. >> so with what looks like an ad for vagisil, the post office produced this commercial encouraging people to use the mail. >> give your customers the added feeling of security a printed receipt provides with mail. >> that's your pitch, u.s. mail, we give you a receipt. if we're going to do this we would have to make the mail cool again. and i knew just how to do it. >> action! >> hi, i'm harold. >> and i'm kumar.
>> save the mail. >> what's up, mail. >> mail! >> mail! >> you must be krasesy not to want to save the post office. >> you bet, celo and you know who else is a big mail fan, christina aguilera. >> huh? she's not doing this. >> mail! >> it's like texting with a pencil. >> save the mail! >> tell them tony hawk. >> mail is gnarley. >> without mail you couldn't do this. >> so use your voice to save the mail. >> this just has taken my mail from me ♪ ♪ and delivered ♪ it to someone else ♪. >> mail! you can ship your weed. >> yes. >> no, that's fedex. >> fedex sucks. >> you know why? without mail the trees win. >> mail, jamming in your
(cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight is new film is called "we bought a zoo" >> hey, hey, hey. whoa, whoa. knot bad, actually they're pretty does il. >> not at night-- docile. >> not at night. >> oh, you like to get a little wild at night, huh, get a little crazy. crazy nighttime -- >>out! >> oh, man. >> are you all right, boss. >> oh, man! (laughter) >> listen, are you not talking to them correctly
yet, you have to be real with them. >> i'm never talking to you again you little -- >> now you're talking to them. there you go. >> jon: welcome back to the program matt damon. (cheers and applause) >> jon: you know what i don't-- can i tell you something i don't normally see from my audience, no disrepresent or anything, i don't normally see this. the only other person that got that desmond tutu. >> wow. >> jon: got a lot of this. >> mighty good company to be in. >> jon: mighty good company. what's happening. >> nothing, man. i'm-- i'm getting ready for the holidays. >> jon: what are we doing? >> a movie, a movie, they made me do it. they made me shave my head but i'm growing it back now. >> jon: you're a lucky man because you have the shape of a head, and let's facing it, what guys and shaved heads, it is very hit or miss.
i have what i believe to be an eggplant head. a if i were to shave my head i think it would be a bad situation. >> just a forehead that never stops. >> jon: that's exactly right. some people may think oh, look at him, he's an alien but very smart. but you got-- you can pull off a somewhat of a military cut. >> yeah, i guess so, man. i mean if you say so. >> jon: if i the first person to tell you that you look okay with a shaved head? >> well, my kids liked telephone. they were cool with it but i think that they don't really have a choice. i'm the only dad they have. >> jon: they could trade you in. don't think that you are invincible with them. >> that's true. >> jon: what did they say-- because i grew a beard awhile back. and the crowd hated it. but -- >> i don't remember you with a beard on the show. >> jon: it was the front part of the beard, the goatee. and my daughter said to me one night, daddy, your kisses feel like punishment. and then i thought--
(laughter) you know, what happens now. >> what's the role you were shaving it for. >> i did a science fiction move yee with neil-- the guy without directed district nine so that will come out in 2015. >> jon: it is interesting to me that in the future the heroes of the future are all nearly bald. >> they have to be. very rarely is someone a hero of the future have like a ponytail. >> no, and like a-- future we all shave our heads. >> jon: very interesting. this, the zoo, you bought a zoo. (laughter) obviously i've seen the movie. and if i may, just a quick synopsis without giving anything away, you paid money for a zoo. >> that happened, that happened. >> jon: and then the film, i guess is obviously you go through the maintenance of a zoo. >> right, in the film and obviously it ends with okay, everybody. see you tomorrow.
>> we did it. >> jon: we did it, we got our zoo. what is the situation here, and are those actual animals or cgi. >> those are real animals. it-- the film is directed by cameron crowe who is great. he did "jerry maguire" and almost famous and say anything. and many others. and so whenever i was pitched the movie i would say well it's about this family, it's this guy and he lost his wife and he's got these two kids. and they buy a broken down zoo and through the course of kind of fixing the zoo up, they actually fix the family up-- . >> jon: i'm just going to leave, all right because -- >> and then i think cameron crowe directed it and people go [bleep] why didn't you tell me that to begin with. >> jon: what animal surprised you, was anybody personality, did you meet an animal and think i did not think i was going to enjoy that type of animal's company, yet i find myself thinking hey, you know what, emus, they're all right.
>> the grizzly bear was the most -- the grizzly bear, have you ever seen a grizzly bear. >> jon: what, are you kidding me, i live in new york, of course. there's one that owns a deli near my house. i go there all the time. >> no i have never seen one up close. >> jon: how big is a grizzly bear. >> when he stoot up he was 12 and a half feet tall. and the only thing i knew about grizzly bears was the story, my father had told mow a story. he had taken a fishing trip in 1986, so he and his friends went to alaska, and this guy took them around and the guide had a 44 magnum in a holster. and my dad looked at it and he noticed that the sight was filed down. and he said i can ask you a question about the gun. and the guy goes goes yeah, sure. is that for grizzly bears. and guy goes yeah, and he goes why did you file the sight down. >> and the guy goes oh, yeah, right, that's so that after i shoot the grizzly bear it doesn't hurt so much when he shoves the gun up my ass.